Our conversation started normally enough.
Ankush had asked me to watch a recording of a webinar he’d recently hosted for coaches. The message was simple.
The more people share what they’re learning and what they’re creating in the world, the more their coaching practice tends to grow.
I’ve known that for years.
In fact, Ankush would probably say I’m someone who shares quite a lot, mainly through this newsletter. You’re reading number 99.
Yet when I asked myself how all-in I was when it came to sharing, I gave myself a three out of ten.
I know there’s more in me.
I’ve always known there’s more in me.
Then, in typical Peter fashion, I started explaining why.
I told him that I go all-in in many areas of my life, but when it comes to growing my coaching practice, I still hold something back.
Not because I don’t care.
Not because I’m not committed.
Anyone who knows me or works with me knows that’s not true.
I told him it was because I knew what happened when I went all-in.
I burned out.
That had been my experience in the family business twenty years ago.
“I know where that ends,” I said confidently.
Without missing a beat, Ankush looked at me and said,
“Peter… you are so full of sh#t this morning.”
Then he smiled.
It made me laugh.
It also made me stop.
Because somewhere inside I knew he might be right.
As often happens when I think there’s something to see, I went quiet.
After a couple of minutes I asked him what he was seeing.
“Do you hold back in your training because you’re afraid of burning out?”
“No.”
“Do you hold back in your relationship with Jules because you’re afraid of burning out?”
“No.”
I went quiet again.
I found myself back in 2006.
Up at six every morning.
Finishing up around midnight most nights.
Saying yes to everything.
Taking responsibility for everything.
Carrying far more than was mine to carry.
Then something quietly came to me.
You were doing all-in.
You weren’t being all-in.
I heard myself say it out loud.
Ankush didn’t respond.
He didn’t need to.
He knew I’d seen something.
Suddenly it made sense.
Doing all-in had been driven by the need to prove myself.
By insecurity.
By self-doubt.
By self-judgement dressed up as love and service.
No wonder it wasn’t sustainable.
Of course I didn’t want to go back there.
Who would?
Then another question emerged.
What would it look like to be all-in?
I don’t fully know yet.
But I know this.
It won’t mean working longer.
It won’t mean trying harder.
It won’t mean carrying more.
I think it will mean loving more.
Trusting more.
Asking more.
Risking more.
Living my document more completely.
The answers are still unfolding.
What I do know is this.
I’m going all-in as a coach in a way I never have before.
Not by doing more.
By being different.
I’m excited.
I’m curious.
And I have a feeling this is just the beginning.
Much love
Peter