I was on a call with Ankush last Thursday.
Just one day after the best VO₂ max test of my life.
I’d scored 56.5, a result that, based on the reference data we use, sits in the elite range even for men aged 25 to 29.
And I was having a moan.
The work I do with Ankush is mostly around my coaching and my business, and I was telling him that I didn’t feel as passionate about my business as I did about my fitness.
I mean, shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Shouldn’t I be more passionate about my business?
What’s wrong with me that I’m not?
And, of course, I’d managed to make that the reason my business wasn’t where I thought it should be.
My business is going great …
… but it would be going better if I was more passionate about it.
I love the clients I work with …
… but I’d be working with more people having a bigger impact in the world if I was more passionate about it.
I know I’m making an impact …
… but I’d be making a bigger impact if I was more passionate about it.
It went on for a while.
You get the idea.
As he often does when I go off on one like this, Ankush just listened.
He waited until I was finished.
Then he said:
“You’re judging yourself.”
It was my turn to go quiet.
I replayed everything I’d just said.
It hadn’t felt like judgement.
It had felt true.
That’s the interesting bit.
Things were good.
In fact, things are great.
But apparently not quite good enough.
Without even noticing what I was doing, I’d created a story about how passionate I should be, compared my business with my fitness and found the business wanting.
And then I’d started seeing everything through the story I’d created.
Ankush reminded me how far I’d come over the last few years and that my business was actually going considerably better than I was giving it credit for.
Then he came back to the judgement.
“Peter, the only problem you’ll ever have is judgement.”
“The irony is that your business would likely grow if you just dropped all of this.”
Then he said something that stayed with me.
“Judgement is the only thing in the way of you creating miracles.”
Quiet again.
I started writing.
This is almost exactly what I scribbled down in the moment:
All judgement is thinking.
It’s not that there’s ever anything wrong with me.
The only thing in the way is thinking in the form of judgement.
The only thing in the way of miracles is thought in the form of judgement.
The only thing in the way of me truly creating from nothing is thought in the form of judgement.
Then a question appeared.
What would be available to me if I was completely free of judgement about my business… or any area of my life?
I’ve been sitting with that ever since …
I wouldn’t do so much overthinking.
I wouldn’t believe every fearful thought that appeared.
What other people thought of me wouldn’t matter nearly as much.
I wouldn’t keep filtering possibility through everything I already think I know about what’s possible and what’s not.
And when I was clear about something I wanted to create…
I’d get on with creating it.
As I finish writing this, two things occur to me.
The first is that none of this is particularly new to me.
And yet somehow, I’m seeing it more clearly than I ever have before.
The second is just how sneaky judgement can be.
I wasn’t sitting there thinking:
“I’m judging myself.”
I thought I was accurately describing my business.
I thought I’d identified a problem.
I thought I was telling the truth.
But the problem only existed inside the judgement I’d created about how things should be.
It reminds me of something David Bohm said:
“Thought creates the world and then says, ‘I didn’t do it.'”
Maybe that’s what makes judgement so convincing.
It creates the world we’re looking at…
…then hides itself from view.
And I’m beginning to wonder what’s available when the judgement falls away.
Nothing to prove.
Nothing wrong with where I am.
Nothing wrong with me.
Just a blank canvas and the freedom to create.
Maybe that’s where miracles become possible.
Much love
Peter